No, 366 days isn't how long it is since I last blogged; but I know its been quite a few months (6 I think!!) and I'm sorry for that. I think its just that I've not felt I have anything to add. And to be honest its quite emotionally draining.
366 days is the amount of time since my Grandpa had the stroke. Yesterday was exactly a year (leap year length) to the day when I got the message on my answer phone from my Grandma. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday; how it was so out of the blue, how calm Nanny sounded and yet I think I could hear the worry in her voice too. Then the day at work wondering what was happening whilst serving cakes for 7 hours. The first visit to the hospital.
Its been such a long year. And so much so that I think all of us have got a little tired. And I think thats why I've held off from blogging; but I think now I need to.
Saturday night, as I was pondering on coming back to Cardiff after the Easter holidays on the day that was a year on, all the emotion and exhaustion I think I've been holding in exploded; I cried so much and thought the only way I'm going to be able to order all this emotion in my head is if I write. So I started off trying to be creative and put it into a 'poem' but after a stanza or too I just started writing it without rhythm or pattern-just I guess emotion. And I thought these emotions are what I've got to express in my blog (although I wont write it out how I did on Saturday). So here goes....
I know that all my family have struggled through this last year-everyday life brings stresses but its been an emotional journey too. We as a family have wept together right at the beginning of this; I can remember sitting in the hospital one night with my Dad and Grandpa and just weeping as I sat next to the man who once almost 'ran' our family.
And now he sits, quiet. I didnt blog after Christmas because I guess I saw how hard this is on my Grandpa. His spirits were just so deflated. He can no longer chat or read for pleasure or walk or look after himself and us. And I know this gets to him. He wonders why this happened and why it doesn't go away-which is fair enough. And I didnt have anything encouraging to write. And I think after Christmas I was starting to feel tired in my walk with God.
I think my head has just become cloudy with emotion and life and the noise of the world. So I then I have not expressed my feelings to God or reaching closer to Him-But I know deep down that I need Him so much and He is the constant thing in my life that never changes.
Sometimes, like Saturday, I just explode with all the emotion from this whole years ordeal. I look back at the memories of before the stroke; Poland 2 years before, and even when Nanny and Grandpa brought me to the Uni that I'm now at for an open day only weeks before. But now all that seems to be packaged with a wheelchair. Even though I can remember before the stroke that has now become my Grandpa's life. And I can sometimes see how that hurts him which makes me even more saddened. I know God's there with us every step of the way; and I think my Grandpa knows it too. But all of us just want him chatting away and smiling and declaring how great God is again.
My Nanny has been amazing. I just watch the strength that she has and am in awe of her. She has been so positive, patient, loving and caring. And her trust in God has been wonderful. I love and admire her so much.
I don't think I've been angry at this. Just confused and overwhelmed. It was a big shock to us all and a big alteration and i think sometimes it just gets the better of me! With all the changes over this year (grandpa, uni,) and just my own struggles anyway it feels as if sometimes I'm in a whirlpool yet other times I seem to be able to get on with life. I almost forget; but its this monotomous life as I'm just forcing the rain out of my head so I don't feel lost.
But thats just me-for my grandpa I know this doesnt ever go away and he's asked why. This is way more his struggle than mine, although it does effect all our family. Its the Briars family's biggest struggle. But for him this is continuous and it hurts me to know how much he feels it. These outbursts of mine must be a small expression of what he feels.
I soemtimes feel torn. As I've said it breaks my heart to see him so despaired. He feels he cant do anything now, feels worthless. But to me he is still so special and I feel as though we all need him. He is my amazing grandpa and I want to make him proud. I know he can still serve God. He can inspire and comfort people and he is still there for our family. And as many people have said to me it should be a priveledge for us to serve him for a change. And it really is. Its almost as though we're giving him back all the time and love he's shown us. And although its not the way I'd have it, I love going to see him and holding his hand and seeing his smile and updating him on life.
And I think deep down (sometimes its just really deep down) I'm holding out for that miracle still. We shouldnt stop praying for that miracle even though this situation may be for a time longer. But I think sometimes my strength runs out. So theres where I need to be leaning on God. And I really want to. I feel like I'm making excuses but I feel as though at times my strength is so low I cant hold on to Him as much as I want to. I hate getting into a boring routine but its almost as though (in the short term at least) it hurts less then the emotion that can overwhelm me when I cry it all out.
And I dont want to let people down who see me as Happy, sunny, yellow Annie. I guess its human pride to not let others see your emotions. But I guess I need to let people know that ever so often there is pain behind the smile and I think there are possibly people out there who know me well enough to see it in my eyes.
I should really start writing again-getting out all the emotion and words that get muddled in my head becoming a noisy fuzz. And I also need to put all my strength into clinging to God so that I can draw my strength from Him and becoming closer to Him. Pray for me in that respect.
I dont like to get stressed or explode with emotion but for me to not fall apart I need to be holding onto God. I know this is all good in theory but I guess I then begin to doubt whether I'll hold onto God as much as I need to. I pray that I will and one day I'll see God's glory instead of the thick mass of hurt.
And I'll know that the flames and the rain that I think sometimes overwhelm me haven't burnt or drowned me or my family at all.
And my grandpa; well the house is pretty much all sorted with wet room etc so that he can live at home comfortably. Hopefully in the summer my Nanny and him will be able to take more outings than they have over the cold, rainy months. He haves waves of feeling proactive and days where he just wants to sit. Which is fair enough. But as I've talked to different people we've said that maybe when he has these down moments he needs to accept that this could be life for a time and that God is in control and maybe then the healing will continue on slowly plodding on. But that will be hard I know. But as we sang on Sunday morning at my wonderful church; "Life is worth the living just because He (Jesus) Lives." And I pray that my Grandpa (and the whole family) will just get a fresh sense of the great God who we serve and how wonderful He is. And how He came so that we'd have life to the full and that we should praise Him even when it hurts, especially when it hurts. I think we all need to realise that.
"Because He lives, I can face tommorow, because He lives, all fear is gone, because I know, I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just because He lives"
My heart also aches right now for a wonderful woman of my church who has battled cancer for so long and gone to glory. Its so hard to see a long struggle end like this and when the church found out on Sunday morning that it wouldnt be long it pained us all. My verse of this year was read out and the emotion just filled up in me at all the struggles that people I love are facing and how hard they are. But God is there even when we cant see that He is holding us close and crying with us at our struggles. He won't let us be harmed.
So my heart and prayers do go out to Angie's family and I look forward to giving her a huge hug in Heaven one day.
