Rising Waves

So I have written anything for a very long time, and if I'm going to be honest I haven't much felt like writing anything. This last year has been difficult. I have been staying in such a monotomous place feeling lost and alone but ignoring it all. And ignoring God and how amazing my life would be if I turned it all over to Him.

And now....the waves feel like they are rising, the tears flowing.

Back in the summer when I was at my wonderful home church my Dad shared something about how Grandpa was doing. Chris (my pastor) had spoken on Matthew 17:14-23 which features Jesus healing a man's son, the account in Mark includes the man saying "I do believe: [that Jesus can heal his son] Help my unbelief!" And so often when waiting for healing we ask God for many things: wisdom for doctors, His will to be done, comfort, strength. But in amongst it all we just want a miracle. We know God can do that miracle but the waiting the hurt...And my Dad shared with the church that this has been our journey for the last 2 and a half years. We have prayed for all those things. I have been tired; I have stopped praying as dilegently as I did in that first sixth months; when we fasted, when we sat at his bedside reading Psalms and sections from Job, when I knew healing was possible and was coming soon. Maybe I accepted that healing doesn't always come straight away. Maybe I shoved it all to the back of my mind as the rest of life piled up with deadlines, exams, bills, struggles with friends, the busyness of life. But we still want that miracle. And I know that God has the power but I need Him to help my unbelief. The church prayed for our family and the next week they prayed again for us because someone had felt lead to ask Wally (our worship leader) to play a certain song.

There is a song that always reduces me to tears. These last 2 years it has been a song that makes me cling to what the words say. This is the song that whoever that wonderful person from my wonderful church wanted us to sing that Sunday for my family. For my Grandpa; for my amazing Grandma; for my fantastic Dad; for my mum and brothers; for Me. This song is called 'Still'

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

I stood there im my church letting the tears fall wanting so much for the words to become my life.

And today I have sat in my room back in Cardiff, in a house with wonderful housemates, looking ahead to my final 9 months of University before I graduate and move onto the next step in my life, listening to this song again. Crying as I sing the words. Knowing that right now I need my God more than ever.

My Grandpa has been in hospital for almost 2 weeks now; He has been suffering with breathing difficulties which have improved. But they have done tests which have revealed a mass on his vocal chords.
My amazing Nanny sent me a letter yesterday which shows her beautiful spirit so wonderfully. "The LORD is even more precious in times like this". And mentioning two Psalms; Psalm 42 and Psalm 61.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. (Ps 61:1-4)

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.....Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night his sing is with me....Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my saviour and my God. (Ps 42:3-4, 7-8, 11)

I could not say it better.

The waves surround me and family once more. I look and think how can I stay afloat let alone continue singing and dancing in the storm. But He is God. He has been with us. Without this hope, the Love and Strength of my God I would have given up many times over especially over this last year. Be Still and know that He is God. Through exhaustion, through tears, through loneliness, through busyness and stress, through sickness He is still God.

Blessed be His name even though there is pain in the offering the Briars family present to Him, even though there are tears as we walk this road as we continue everyday I bless my Lord Jesus' name, I sing His praise and trust in His miracles and Love.

It's been a while

So yeah- how's this for keeping the blog updated and expressing my feelings to make sure I don't get overwhelmed!!!

Yes busyness over took me and yet again I got back in to that monotomous life.

But I love how God keeps caring and keeps giving even when I'm just flitting through life!!

It's almost coming up to two years since Grandpa had the stroke- I look back and can't really fathom that its been that long. But then again I've grown up a lot in that time.

So what's happened in the 10 months since I last wrote anything?!?!

I did my first year exams and passed them! Further proof that God wants me at Cardiff University!!

I got a summer job (also planned perfectly for me by God) 5 minutes away from home, with an old work mate of mum's who had become a Christian months before I walked into her shop asking for a job!!

I started 2nd year with a house and learnt how much harder 2nd year is!!
The last semester was hard work-battlig with new situations, and busy with Uni work and Hall group stuff. Being on a new course and meeting the other Pharmers has been great and I've enjoyed leading hall group so much-I can't believe its almost time to pass it on to the next lot!! Getting to know my new housemate has been wonderful too.
But yeah at times its been quite lonely and just a bit harder than I expected- I thought I was an expert at Cardiff life since I'd done a year.

Details aren't important-as its all behind me now and I've determined to move on and not let the things that bothered me last term effect me anymore. I just want to say; God showed me He loved me in the loneliness-spoke into situations and whispered into the tears through me being prayed for by a friend.

And my Grandpa? Well this Christmas was better than the last one. He still has his times of feeling so down about it all-but he has said the words that he doesnt really want to go 'home'.
He's been having lots and lots of physiotherapy. He's started sessions with a great woman called Anja who is dating my mum's cousin. Anja is a physio who has neuroscience experience and specialises in stroke patients-working particularly with the arm. I really enjoyed chatting to her about 'geeky' brain stuff and hearing her theories on what she is going to work on with my grandpa. He know just needs to stay positive and keep trying. Progress has been made. Its still slow-he's still in the chair although Anja has got him up and waking little bits, he still can't do complete sentences and some days just lets us get on with the conversation. Its tough still and I hate being away from it all.

Christmas was lovely. Friends from all over the place joined us for the christmas break. Clement (who Simon worked with in Zambia) was with us for Christmas and it was lovely to meet the guy who Simon sees as a brother and hear Grandpa thanking him and encouraging him. Rebecca came from the US which was such a great time for me-as I've not seen her for almost 3 years but it was fantastic to be reunited and share life updates!!

Then back to Cardiff. Determined to make my house here more warm and lovely, struggling through with exams and back into a whirlwind life.

God is being faithful even when I'm not really. I'm determined to be spending more time with Him-because I know that my insecurities and struggles will reduce when I'm trusting Him fully and living in His light and promise and purpose. But of course I know all this but then end up rushing around burning the candle at both ends, crashing and burning ever so often, trying to be Miss in-control! :) But Jesus is in Control, i just have to take my little finger off the steering wheel!!

I'll try not to let it be another terribly long amount of time before I share something of God's goodness again!!

God bless and all that Jazz
xx