And now....the waves feel like they are rising, the tears flowing.
Back in the summer when I was at my wonderful home church my Dad shared something about how Grandpa was doing. Chris (my pastor) had spoken on Matthew 17:14-23 which features Jesus healing a man's son, the account in Mark includes the man saying "I do believe: [that Jesus can heal his son] Help my unbelief!" And so often when waiting for healing we ask God for many things: wisdom for doctors, His will to be done, comfort, strength. But in amongst it all we just want a miracle. We know God can do that miracle but the waiting the hurt...And my Dad shared with the church that this has been our journey for the last 2 and a half years. We have prayed for all those things. I have been tired; I have stopped praying as dilegently as I did in that first sixth months; when we fasted, when we sat at his bedside reading Psalms and sections from Job, when I knew healing was possible and was coming soon. Maybe I accepted that healing doesn't always come straight away. Maybe I shoved it all to the back of my mind as the rest of life piled up with deadlines, exams, bills, struggles with friends, the busyness of life. But we still want that miracle. And I know that God has the power but I need Him to help my unbelief. The church prayed for our family and the next week they prayed again for us because someone had felt lead to ask Wally (our worship leader) to play a certain song.
There is a song that always reduces me to tears. These last 2 years it has been a song that makes me cling to what the words say. This is the song that whoever that wonderful person from my wonderful church wanted us to sing that Sunday for my family. For my Grandpa; for my amazing Grandma; for my fantastic Dad; for my mum and brothers; for Me. This song is called 'Still'
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
I stood there im my church letting the tears fall wanting so much for the words to become my life.
And today I have sat in my room back in Cardiff, in a house with wonderful housemates, looking ahead to my final 9 months of University before I graduate and move onto the next step in my life, listening to this song again. Crying as I sing the words. Knowing that right now I need my God more than ever.
My Grandpa has been in hospital for almost 2 weeks now; He has been suffering with breathing difficulties which have improved. But they have done tests which have revealed a mass on his vocal chords.
My amazing Nanny sent me a letter yesterday which shows her beautiful spirit so wonderfully. "The LORD is even more precious in times like this". And mentioning two Psalms; Psalm 42 and Psalm 61.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. (Ps 61:1-4)
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.....Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night his sing is with me....Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my saviour and my God. (Ps 42:3-4, 7-8, 11)I could not say it better.
The waves surround me and family once more. I look and think how can I stay afloat let alone continue singing and dancing in the storm. But He is God. He has been with us. Without this hope, the Love and Strength of my God I would have given up many times over especially over this last year. Be Still and know that He is God. Through exhaustion, through tears, through loneliness, through busyness and stress, through sickness He is still God.
Blessed be His name even though there is pain in the offering the Briars family present to Him, even though there are tears as we walk this road as we continue everyday I bless my Lord Jesus' name, I sing His praise and trust in His miracles and Love.
